"It's one thing to feel incomplete, but quite another if you don't know how to be alone"

This sentence struck me deep down. I'm very sure of how to be alone, but I'm not sure of how to be complete. And that thought rang a bell too. Is this completion a matter of delusionized thought we gave ourselves? Do we really need to complete ourselves, or some of us are already complete?

I have a friend, one of my besties. She told me that she reached a point in time where finding a partner doesn't matter anymore. If she does find someone then its a bonus. She's rather good looking, confident and very sociable. Not to mention there isn't a time where I know of that she doesn't have a guy that's hot on her heels. Right now she's saving up to buy an apartment for herself. A private one, for either investment or for her to live. I find this thought rather engaging.

Do we really need to bind ourselves to someone? Why can't it be a very close friend? Why do people think of marriage as an invisible bind that bound us to someone? Why is it that love can't be shared and cherish by all? Is it that selfish thinking that we can only have something or someone only for ourselves and not for others? Or maybe it's just that my thoughts are too open for such a tradition for society to adapt?

The more I think of it, the more I realize that the world we live in are governed by unseen traditional propaganda that held each person like a leash would on a dog. People are afraid to break loose or to challenge the one that holds the leash...or maybe it's just ignorance.. Maybe it's just here in this strict Asian culture.

Neutral. That's what I felt.. Or perhaps, I didn't feel anything at all. Perhaps I'm bored. Funny how I'm not elated when I see her, and I felt boring. Hmm... Nothing seems to elate me. Not her, not USS rides, not sex and not even new technologies.

I'm bored....

I gave it a long thought. Did I lie? No I didn't but I did keep my silence on the pain. Maybe I should be more out. More open on my feelings. If she's beautiful, say it out, express it. Yeah. I should do that. And I will if chanced came upon me in the future. Thanks. :)

There is no point in being sorry for the past. Instead accept that it is part of life's lessons. Say sorry only if you can make up for it, if not let it be. There's no accountability for choices made, only lessons for the choices to come. If either couldn't learn that valuable lesson taught, then that's where repeated mistakes happen. I hope you won't be that person.

Dancing with a thorn. I know I'm gonna hurt myself but I couldn't reject her. Of all traits, this is my only weakness. Of all people, her. The one person that's on my mind every single day without fail for the past 5 years, nearing 6. And just about every movie that has a cheesy romantic feud between a couple, where either one have broke up with each other and after a few years feelings are still there. And boy saves girl, or girl cries and admits to boy, all ends up good and they lived happily ever after. Bullcrap...

Its more like... Guy never had a day passed without her in his mind. Guy makes it a point to check on how she is subtly, if she's happy and doing well. Guy makes random hello and hi to have small conversations with her. After a few years, guy had enough of the pain and cuts all contact except on a social network, where her profile is hidden away so no updates will reach him. Though guy did that, he maintains a contactable link from her to him in case she needs help, but not the other way round. Guy tried to be there for her when things are at the lowest, but due to the past guy felt restricted to give warmth and comfort. Guy attempts to close it all by admiting, after 5 years, he has not moved on, and swore to be there for her whenever and wherever possible if she ever needs a hand. A parting gift, a thousand cranes, a drop of unseen tear.

And since there are no movie endings, it goes on. She asked for a dance. Guy hesitated. Didn't respond with a yes or no, but said to call him if she wants to. Didn't brought up further. Ended conversation by saying going to sleep but remains on blogger.

My heart felt warm when she asked if I'd go salsa with her but in that warmth that sharp pointy pain is there. Ever present and stabbing. Please relief me of this pain. I do not wish to feel negative with her.

I met someone quite recently. Though I thought it was another random "Hello let's be friends!" I felt that it'll be awkward later on if I find that person boring. Yeah she's cute, she's friendly and nice but....boring. This is where the problem lies.

When I eavesdrop in public, be it waiting for someone, in the bus or just having a smoke, I noticed most, if not all, conversations I find are boring.

Subject 1: "OMG. You know whaaaat??? I saw a cockroach last night in my room and I was like eeeeeee and then my mom was like aaaaaaa!! So my bro was like all gangsta taking the broom and whacking the disgusting piece of crap!"

Subject 1's friend: "Oh wow! That's disgusting! Did it die after that? Was it flying? Ewww. OMG!"

And they carry on for 2 minutes talking about it before going on to another boring stuff; subject 1's trip to the hair saloon.

Don't get me wrong. Yes these are just normal chit chats and that's probably why I don't talk much. Even if I did found a spider as big as my palm and hairy and killing it with newspaper, I find it uninteresting of a topic to bring up to anyone. So back to Miss cutie, yeah I went out with her but our conversations ended up rather mundane to the point that I figured the only things that I can actually talked to her about was nonsensical jokes. Which is okay, but you can't possibly be joking the whole time ya? So this is where my very tiny circle of friends come in. Its totally fun and very very engaging talking to them, be it about everything. Somehow everything becomes interesting. Suddenly I don't feel awkward talking about things that aren't usually talked about. Our views are different too at times, conflicting you might say, but nonetheless why are we interesting to each other? Not just to say we're all of the same race, nor of same religion, or no religion.

What I can conclude is that there is one similarity we share with each other; an open mind. Our ability to take in stuffs and understand it. Our characters are different, tastes not alike, it doesn't matter. I just can't see of any other explanation to it. The diversity is so large. An example would be one of my bestie. She's the last person I thought I'd ever be friend with in the past, and look at us now. Sometimes we don't even have to say a word and we know each other's thoughts. It's like I'm South pole she's north, she's white I'm black. No one would believe I'm her friend after knowing the both of us. Despite our differences and our pole to pole character, due to our open minds, the differences are accepted.

Try and analyze your friends. See if it has any link.

Here I am staring at the screen with empty thoughts blurring pass flashing headlights of cars on the highway. It's the point in life where I would say that I'm old enough to be able to think through problems and find answer which in the past would otherwise be a daunting task to solve.

So here I am. At this point in life where everything is subjective. There are no 100% correct answers. There is no right or wrong. There is just perception. We create words that are so vague that any alien from another planet would find it hard to understand. How do you define love, hate, infatuation, lust, anger, basically emotions? I'm not going into details as these are best discussed through individual conversations and discussions.

As humans and our consciousness we live on everyday without knowing or understanding this complexity in us. It so called "defines" who we are and most of us let it control us. It is only in time of sadness where we start to question it. Why is it that only desperation opens up our minds? Be it for the better or for the worse. In my personal observations and through friends' experiences, this is a common issue. I've thought up of an interesting comparison that can be used to signify emotions and why we are reacting as such.

Take for example tastes. When we eat something that's tastes and look sweet and nice, it doesn't matter if its fatty, contain tons of flavoring/MSG/oily/etc. Its nice! How about something bitter? Would you get worried and wonder what is in it? Would you spread the word about how sucky the food was to other friends and at the same time avoid others similar to it? It's a rather broad comparison but it's similar in a way. 1stly that "oh he's/she's cute"(looks nice), and then when you get to know that him or her(tastes nice) and find them "attractive", somehow other spits and spats about them are not applicable. So you go on and from here it might branch off to different scenarios. He or she can turn bitter/sour, remain sweet and your fave all your life, or just plain "jelak".

That's just an example for relationships of course. If you think about it, its kinda similar in other aspects too eg. Anger = bitter, sadness = sour, whatever your imagination would wanna take you to. So why not mix around the feel with different tastes? If its sweet, look for why is it sweet. Does it have a pinch of bitterness that wasn't detected at 1st? In bitterness, was there a touch of sweetness in it? What are these tastes made of? And soon you'll know the ingredients which would make you more aware of what you're getting and how to counter it.

A simple yet weird way of understanding emotions, but I feel its connected to our 5 senses, not just taste. Making things sweet as I like it and a little sour here and there. Bitterness I hate most....

Back to my trail of empty thoughts.